Let’s get started by going over a people helper’s vision, mission and helping description.

Vision

Coming alongside another who seeks assistance in life, love and where they are going.

Mission:

We offer a listening ear to the hurting, attentiveness to the oppressed, a hand up to the downcast and words to the seeker in order to bring spiritual, emotional, mental and physical healing.

Remember when Jesus preached his first sermon, to those in His hometown? He described His mission and role as recorded in the Gospel of Luke and prophesied in Isaiah 61:1,2.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:18,19)

Henri Nouwen (author) wrote a book called The Wounded Healer, stating “… we are a part of a broken world. All suffer from wounds of loneliness and alienation, make mistakes, and have a variety of shortcomings.” Yet Nouwen claims that our wounds can be turned into sources of healing as we recognize that pain and suffering come from the depth of the human condition, and that healing comes only when Christ enters those depths.

Consider …

1. Why do you want to help people?

2. Are you aware of people who need help?

3. Will you spend time:

   1. Educating yourself?

   2. Listening to others?

   3. Getting help for areas of brokenness in your own life?

Remember: We are called to be caregivers. God is the curegiver.

A people helper is anyone who seeks to care, assist and get messy with those in a mess or trying to avoid messes.

Helping people who may feel hurt, afraid, angry, depressed, anxious and/or confused due to their painful circumstances, relationship(s) and human condition (including sin, sorrow, regrets and/or mistakes).

A people helper may assist family members, friends, ministry leaders, pastors, social workers, professional counselors, doctors, lawyers, etc. to network in order to bring care, healing and growth to those in need.

A people helper can also be a teacher, caregiver, coach, discipler, cheerleader, friend, mentor, etc. in order to bring care, healing and growth to those in need.

People helpers first begin with:

Time - “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven . . . A time to be silent, and a time to speak.” Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7b

First, devote time by displaying a caring attitude by getting to know the person seeking help every time you meet up. Call them by name, learn who’s in their family, know where they live, work and hang out.

Second, display you care by giving him/her eye contact, warm voice tone, positive non-patronizing facial expressions while you sit down and lean forward to show interest in what they are saying.

Third, validate their feelings, not by saying, “I know how you feel”, but possibly saying, “Sorry to hear …”; “Sounds like you feel …”; “This must be a hard time for you, tell me more about ….”.

Trust - “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18

First, develop trust by showing acceptance, which doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. Listen rather than judge, correct or advise them.

Second, give trustworthy response that protect their dignity, integrity and privacy. Emotional safety is a priority in trusting relationships.

Third, be honest by expressing who you are and who you are not; what you can do and what you cannot do; what God’s Word says God promises, not what He doesn’t do; what they can do and may not be able to do.

Transparency - “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.” John 1:14a

First, possess a desire, compassion to hear about their mess, brokenness and mistakes/sin. Affirm that God is not seeking to condemn them, but to love them.

Second, when appropriate, admit to your own brokenness, past mistakes/sin and lessons learned. Use your stuff to display God’s handiwork, in spite of yourself.

Third, share your story of healing, how God granted you forgiveness, strength and hope in your time of need. How God can do the same for him/her.

Do you remember a time when you asked for help from someone outside of your family? What did it feel like to ask for help? Did you have any doubts or thoughts why you should not ask for help?

Remembering your own need for help, how you felt and doubts is key in your first conversation with someone asking for help. Their personal pain and possible desperation for change, generally overcomes their difficult feelings and doubts that have prevented them from previously asking for help.

So be careful to listen first, attentive to their heart and aware of their possible shame/embarrassment in approaching you by being discrete and private. Ask God for help to be His instrument.

When the “helpee” shares, he/she will go through several stages while processing through healing and growth. The “helper” will need to discern if the person really wants help or just want to “vent”, to alleviate the pressure inside them self.

For further understanding of discerning someone’s desire to change, follow this link regarding “Stages of Change” (scroll down). Also, see: Prochaska, J.O., Redding, C.A., & Evers, K.E.(1997). The transtheoretical model and stages of change.

Stages of Helping

1. Awareness - the “helpee” moves from expressing a difficult problem to identifying possible causes of the problem, their part in the idenified problem and possible areas of needed change. The helper asks probing questions, being careful not to make quick judgements, the helpee identifying their painful emotions, needs while discerning if and what is the helpee is willing to do to work on resolving their problem.

2. Ownership - the helper generally perceives later in the “awareness stage” the helpee accepting some type of responsibility, now moving towards owning what is his/her responsibility. Rather than using defense mechanism (denial, blame, projection, suppression, etc.) the helpee is able to identify feelings, thoughts, hurtful behaviors/patterns and sin. Like what the Apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:2, “Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.” Ownership can move the helpee towards committing to change.

3. Application - only happens when the helpee demonstrates a commitment to change by continuing to meet with the helper, follow helper’s instruction and recommendations. The helpee takes steps to surrender their control, will and life to God, practices patience (stop/think/pray) and kindness (helps them self & others) and produces fruits of God’s work and love in them self. The helpee demonstrates a desire to grow from their pain and circumstances, trusting God rather than focusing on their initial problem, etc.

4. Growth - by faith, the helpee asks for God’s grace daily, consuming God’s Word, taking steps to forgive and make amends with others, consider their responsibilities to love others on a daily basis, engaging with other believers regularly, while serving others in need.

   Refer helpee to:

   2 Peter 1:3-11; 1 Corinthians 13 Galatians 5:22-ff

As you’ve previously read in What is a People Help?, you’ve heard about the importance of developing a relationship with the helpee. How listening is a major part of the relationship, spending time, developing trust and being transparent. As you may remember, while listening the helpee uses their body and face as a part of connecting and listening.

Listening also includes watching the helpee’s body language, hearing voice tone (notes feelings) and mannerisms. Sitting down with the helpee is best if possible. Sitting at a 90 degree angle, rather than directly across from him/her.

Listening also includes asking questions to assist the helpee express his/her thoughts and feelings. The acronym “OARS” stands for:

Open ended questions.

Affirming Statements.

Reflective listening.

Supportive Statements.

Open ended questions are beneficials since they ask the responder to give more explanation to what he/she is saying. Such as asking, “Please tell me more about …”; “Describe how difficult it was to lose … .” “How are you feeling right now?”

Stay away from using “closed ending questions” that can quickly answered without thought and can end the conversation. Such as, “Are you upset right now?” “Do you want someone to help you?”

Affirming Statements are positive expressions and descriptions in response to what the helpee is describing. Such as, “Sounds like you are trying your best to respond to …”; “I liked how you reached out to God in a very difficult time”; “You have a lot of wisdom to share with your daughter”; or “Anyone would want a caring and compassionate friend like you.”

Demonstrating you are listening by using what is often called “Reflective Listening”. The helper uses clarifying statements by generally restating helpee’s key phrases back to the helpee. Reflective listening helps you to:

1. show further interest, care and understanding of what the other person is saying;

2. allows the other helpee an opportunity to change or correct any misunderstandings;

3. encourages the helpee to expand on previously expressed feelings, as he/she drills deeper into their heart.

Reflective listening steps:

1. Let the person feel what they are feeling!

2. Lean forward, eye contact and give a good initial response.

3. Involves repeating back the facts: AI hear you say...@

4. Express your tentative understanding of the feeling the other person has expressed (usually indirectly): “Sounds like you feel...”

Supportive Statements are responses from the helper in “support” of the helpee’s statements and can be a part of summarizing the problem. Like saying, “I am glad to decided to follow through with …”; “In the middle of the chaos, you are finding peace and hope”; “Wow John, that reminds me of what the Apostle Paul wrote, ‘I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me!’”.

As you may have noticed, listening a about focusing your responses to assist him/her to draw out what is inside of them, which helps them release difficult thoughts and feelings in an empathic way. Using OARS is like the analogy of a young child who makes friend with a lion, by removing a painful thorn in the lion’s paw.

Reflective Listening

Remember, reflective listening …

1. shows understanding of what the other person has said;

2. allows the other person an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings.

3. encourages the other person to expand on previously expressed feelings.

Reflective listening steps:

1. Let the person feel what they are feeling!

2. Lean forward, eye contact and give a good initial response.

3. Involves repeating back the facts: “I hear you say...”

4. Express your tentative understanding of the feeling the other person has expressed (usually indirectly): “Sounds like you feel...”

Reflective Listening Exercises

The helpee says …

1. “I just don’t know about getting married. I love my fiancé, Susan, but I’m not sure I can make all those adjustments.”

The helper replies:

“I hear you saying you are not sure about getting married. Even though you love Susan, you are not sure you can make adjustments to marriage.”

“Sounds like you’re feeling unsure or confused? This one of the most significant relationship in your life and it makes sense if you have some doubt.”

You try it, the helpee says …

2. “We work at communication skills all the time, but it doesn’t make any difference.”

The helper replies …

I hear you saying...

Sounds like you’re feeling...

Okay, you may be thinking, “Is this all I can do to help this person? Just reflect back their statements and feelings?” Good question. Helping people takes time, your responses need to be timed and sensitive to the helpee’s internal process. Since we are trying to help this person to open up and share difficult thoughts and feelings, we must give them time to internally process and share. As you may have personally experienced when you share, the initial thoughts and feelings are surface level and not always accurately describe the problem. Using reflective listening prepares the person to be ready to receive your input and you will learn the right timing to move from reflective listening to asking him/her if they are ready to consider your input. Try another example.

The helpee says …

3. “My daughter is pregnant. She’s only 15 years old. I can’t believe this has happened! What am I supposed to do?”

The helper replies …

I hear you saying...

Sounds like you’re feeling...

The helpee says …

4. “I shouldn’t have slammed the door, but she shouldn’t have said that to me!”

The helper replies …

I hear you saying...

Sounds like you’re feeling...

Practice with someone out loud and see if your reflective responses are helpful. One indicator the helpee knows you are listening, when you are reflecting back to them, the helpee will generally node their head up and down, like saying “Yes, that’s what I am saying.” Similar to a “bobble head doll”.

What happens when the helpee gives you indication, that is not what is being said? That’s quite alright, just reply, “Help me understand what you mean”. It’s a process to communicate, not an exact science. This communication process demonstrates “empathy”, that you care about them and are willing to listen to them and walk with them in their difficult thoughts and feelings. Let’s keep practicing.

The helpee says …

5. “Do you think I did the right thing?”

The helper replies …

I hear you saying...

Sounds like you’re feeling...

The helpee says …

6. “I’ve made the decision to commit my life to Christ, but I’m not sure what I should be doing now – I’m not very good at praying.”

The helper replies …

I hear you saying...

Sounds like youre feeling...

Empathy or empathize is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of others”. Like understanding what it is like to walk in their shoes; feel what they think and feel. Do not get empathy confused with sympathy, which is feeling pity or sorry for the person.

Empathy is expressed by …

• sitting or standing near the person, looking at their face/eyes.

• exhibiting appropriate facial reactions to what the person is expressing.

• listening intently or waiting on the person to talk, not interrupting or giving advice.

• not telling the person you understand or you know what they are feelings and thinking.

• using reflective listening to help the person know what you hear them say. Be ready to hear more of what they are saying.

• saying, at the right time, “I am hear”; “I hear you”; “I am sorry you are feeling …; “This sounds hard to talk about”; “I appreciate what you are sharing”, etc..